I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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