i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
