She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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