she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
