also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
