The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
