dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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