If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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