The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
