I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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