I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
