Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
