Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
