onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
