So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
