you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
