my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
