Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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