the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
