I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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