Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
