Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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