I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
