I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
