I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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