What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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