I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
