I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
