its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
