You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
