the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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