I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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