then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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