just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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