i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
