my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
