Who wears a wallet chain?!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
