I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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