I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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