My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
