My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
