I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
