I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
