She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
