I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
