Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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