the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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