There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
