I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
