There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
